You can say what you like about the Tories, but at least they know how to have a good time.
While our modest Labour MPs are content for us to treat them to a porno and a couple of Kit-Kat chunkies, the Tories aren’t satisfied until we’ve splashed out for professional moat-cleaning, chandelier hanging and, in one case, a thorough service to the family helipad.
Today, if he has any residual sense of integrity, former shadow home secretary David Davis will now be ruing the day he charged taxpayers £5,700 for a portico.
I don’t know what a portico is, but I’m fairly sure that it is a) naff and b) not a cost incurred “wholly, exclusively and necessarily” in the discharge of his parliamentary duties.
Today, the excuses have come rolling in thick and fast, forming for me the most enjoyable part of this whole affair. It was all within the rules! It’s the system that was wrong! Nobody stopped me!
I’m glad to hear that the fact that noone arrested them makes it all ok, that the fraudulent appropriation of money doesn’t have a moral dimension or anything. Why, only the other day I took the liberty of decanting the entire contents of a church collection plate into my coat pocket. It wasn’t my fault. It was the system. The idiot vicar had just left all the money there, in the middle of the church, ripe for the taking!
The apology made by Conservative MP Stewart “speedo” Jackson beat all of the others hands down. He confirmed today that he had made a claim for the upkeep of a swimming pool, but the conscientious public servant was keen to point out that he only did so once, to learn how to look after his new swimming pool himself.
He said: “I claimed £304.10 on a one-off basis for work on the swimming pool. The pool came with the house and I needed to know how to run it.
“Once I was shown that one time, there were no more claims. I take care of the pool myself. I believe this represents ‘value for money’ for the taxpayer”.
Sure it does, Stu, as long as I can come round for a dip. Otherwise, no sodding way!
Which brings me to what I consider to be the ideal solution to this whole sorry expenses affair, something to which, happily, many of the items claimed lend themselves perfectly.
MPs should be forced to do community service to make amends to the taxpayer using whichever items they have pocketed on expenses.
For former Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon, who charged taxpayers £90.09 to service his sit-and-ride lawnmower, this will mean getting down to his local park and trimming a few verges.
David Heathcoat-Amory can keep his 550 sacks of horse manure, but having been charged £20 for the “planting and after-care of dahlias,” I think we should at least be able to look forward to the occasional bouquet from the Tory MP.
Meanwhile, the balding Labour MP who claimed £1.65 for hair products will be required to invite a few struggling grannies round for a complementary shampoo and set.
And finally, though presumably it’s too late to ask for a bit of Hazel Blears’s Kit-Kat Chunky, ‘two-lavs’ Prescott should have his second toilet designated immediately by his local authority as a public convenience. As “Prezza” shows needy members of the public up the stairs of his second home, he can also point out to them the delightful mock-tudor beams in his ceiling, of which they have been the generous, if unwitting, benefactors.
3 Comments
May 12, 2009 at 10:41 am
[...] Original post by katfaulkner [...]
May 12, 2009 at 11:29 am
Community service – what a brilliant idea. Some of those Tories have been screaming for its return for years. Now they can get out and make it happen. By the way a portico (not be confused with a Portillo) is an elaborate entrance to a building characterised by a bit of a roof supported by ornate pillars – and possibly the odd cherub or two wofting about on high blowing on a horn or maybe munching fruit. Why is it called a Portico? Well, I think you’ll find this is because it’s basically a type of elaborate porch which, as anyone who has visited Potters Bar will know, is a bit too petite bourgeois. So you can see why your average Tory MP might feel such an addition to their country ‘pile’ represents essential and legitimate expenditure.
May 16, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Frontpage!
Hope all’s well. I have added you to my ‘blogroll’. You will now get millions and millions of hits from me, no doubt.